Keeping It a Secret

A current TV ad shows a husband and wife shopping for insurance.  As they are being checked out, the clerk confirms their purchase of motorcycle, RV and boat insurance.  The wife says, “But we don’t have any of that stuff.”  “Actually,” the husband adds nervously, “I do…we do.”  Now, I don’t mean to dispute the integrity of advertising, since we all know they are committed to uphold the principles of truth and fair play in America.  But I want to know how this guy is hiding a bike, RV and boat from his wife.  I can’t buy a pair of socks without my wife finding out.

Not that I feel it necessary to hide the purchase of socks from her.  I just assume such an insignificant purchase will get lost in the abundance of socks currently occupying the third drawer of my dresser.  But nothing seems to get by my wife.  “You have new socks!” she proclaims, as if I had just purchased a condo in Florida.  And, just as I am trying to come up with some justification for the purchase, she says, “It’s about time.  But why didn’t you throw out the ones with all the holes in them?”  No, not them.  Those are my lucky softball socks.  I will keep them until they dissolve off my feet, which should be sometime next week.

The fact is, I don’t seem to be able to lie to my wife, according to her.  Not that I make a regular habit of it, but sometimes you just have to keep a secret, at least for a little while.  Her assessment that I cannot lie to her strikes me particularly deep since I am, after all, a professional liar.  Have I mentioned previously that I am a magician?  Please do not confuse me with the senator from District 12, who is also a professional liar.  But it would be helpful if, at least occasionally, I could get away with something.

  • Me: “Honey, I have a little surprise for you.”
  • Her: “Are you talking about the little jewelry box you hid in the hall closet?”
  • Me: “No…well, yes.  I wanted to surprise you.”
  • Her: “You surprised me all right.  You bought me topaz earrings.  You know I hate topaz!  Well, I can take them back tomorrow and get the sapphire ones I wanted.”

I can only imagine the conversation if I tried to hide a motorcycle, RV and boat.

  • Me: “Honey, we need extra insurance.”
  • Her: “Are you going to finally insure the motorcycle, boat and RV?  It’s about time.”
  • Me: “Honey, we don’t have any of that stuff.  Well, actually I do…we do.  How did you know?”
  • Her: “I started to get suspicious when you had the trailer hitch installed on the SUV.  All I want to know is, where have you been keeping the stuff?”
  • Me: “It’s been in the garage at my girlfriend’s house.  Shoot!”

Maybe it’s just as well I can’t lie to my wife.  I can’t think of a thing I need to keep from her.  I don’t even need to keep gifts a secret since she usually buys her own gift six months ahead of time. 

  • Me: “What am I getting you for your birthday this year, honey?” 
  • Her: “You’ll just have to wait and see because…I CAN keep a secret.”

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