Everywhere I turn these days people are talking about being on “the red carpet.” Whether it’s the Oscars, the SAG Awards, even the Miss America Pageant; none of which I watch. Okay, I must admit I watched part of the Miss America re-make thing, but only because my wife made it into a “spend some time with me” occasion. But frankly I hate the entire celebrity watch, red carpet thing. No one I know will ever walk the red carpet. Why don’t they show us where real people walk, on the blue denim carpet?
Now that would be something normal people can relate to. Instead of self-absorbed, neurotic celebrities there would be people like me; brick layers, department store clerks, the old guy at the Wal-Mart. Instead of hundreds of paparazi with $1,000 cameras, there would be a kid from the photography club at the high school or the local police sketch artist. And the celebrity interview would sure be different. “Here comes Bubba Johnson, carpenter from Pearl River in a lovely Dickies one-piece cover-all. And on his arm is that skanky blonde from the Re-Max office, Selma House. Selma, who are you wearing tonight?” “That would be Jim Beam, darling.”
On the blue denim carpet, Vera Wang is why Bubba’s cover-alls don’t fit quite right. A double on the rocks is a large trailer that didn’t quite make the turn off the interstate. A celebrity head shot is a picture of the ex-bank president holding a white board just under his face that says, “Duval County Jail-29875.” The blue carpet is located in front of the Sonic on Classic Car night, when cheeseburgers are 5 for $5.
Maybe I’m just old-fashioned, but that’s what I want to see on TV. And, before you sit down to watch with me, grab me another RC Cola and get one for yourself.
Tags: celebrity, current events, humor
May 18, 2008 at 9:00 pm
bwahahaha selma house. that’s funny right there. i don’t care who you are.